The Iron Writer Challenge 75
Grudge Match #7
The Authors:
E, Chris Garrison and Mamie Pound
vs.
Neal Sayatovich and Tony Jaeger
The Elements:
Setting is a Dairy Queen
A Halberdier
Must be written entirely in dialogue
One and only one of the characters must be aware of the audience
Note: at this is a grudge match, the writers name’s will not be attached to the stories until after the challenge has been voted on.
Please vote!
The Poll is at the bottom.
Knight at the Drive-Thru
“Welcome to Dairy Queen, would you like to try our 99 cent Jelly Belly Extreme Blizzard today?”
“Show yourself, knave! Do not try to fool me with japes and false weather predictions! Mine senses deceive me, but I shall hold fast!”
“Uh, ma’am, you need to be in a car to be in the drive-through window-”
“Silence! I shall not take commands from demons!”
“Fine… you can order something, but please put down the axe.”
“Tis not an axe, it is mine halberd, a finely smithed weapon, and I order thee to begone, bodiless apparition!”
“I’m sorry, ma’am but we’re all out of begone. I thought the renaissance fair was next month. Could I interest you in a double cheeseburger?”
“What manner of weapon is this double cheeseburger? Is it a German partisan or spetum?”
“No, ma’am it’s 100% USDA ground beef. Unless you count heart disease, it’s not a weapon at all.”
“Ah! A mere single purpose weapon, like a lance, not as useful as mine polearm.”
“Ma’am, there are other customers waiting. How about some onion rings?”
“Fie on your dirty implication! I know your riddle, and it disgusts me. No onion shall bring tears to this shield maiden’s eyes!”
“Okay then. Come on, lady, how about a large orange drink?”
“Orange drink! Such rare and precious tropical fruit will not sway me. Feel the bite of mine blade! Ha h-”
“Ma’am? Ma’am? Something’s wrong with the speaker. Ahhh! Help! That crazy woman destroyed the drive-through kiosk and she’s coming inside! Someone call 9-1-1!”
“Now we face each other, knave! Your appearance is innocent, if pox-ridden, but your clownish attire reveals you as a creature of the inferno! Tis ‘brazier’ writ upon thy plaid bonnet! Sweetmeats do not cover the charnel scent of this hellish place. Take me to thy liege!”
“You mean my manager?”
“The monarch of Dairy on your keep’s emblem! Such a small demesnes for royalty, she must have but a toehold in the world of men. I have arrived with no time to lose!”
“Ugh, ma’am, I’m not paid enough to take threats. Please put the axe- Ow! Okay, the halberd, please put it down or I’ll have to press charges when the cops get here!”
“Pressing is the point, I have your full attention, have I not? Answer mine cold iron if you will not answer me; how may I return to fair Lorraine from this… Queendom of Dairy?”
“I’m sure I don’t know, ma’am! You’re hurting me, please stop!”
“What is this? Unearthly blue and red lights? Curse thee for this new illusion!”
“Last chance. I’d put down the halberd if I were you. Ma’am.”
“Oh woe! I am undone! Unseen arrows piece mine heart! Are these then, the double cheeseburger?”
“She’s dead! Thanks for saving me, officer!”
“You all right, kid?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You don’t see that every day. Wicked-looking axe there.”
“It’s a halberd, not an axe.”
“Halberdier, eh? Probably escaped from another Iron Writer story.”
“Wait. What?”
“Nevermind.”
Jesse’s Girl
There’s a five-thousand dollar reward for information leading to the arrest of me and Ernie. But by the time you read this, we’ll be on a stolen motorcycle somewhere between Laredo and the Yucatan. And oh yeah, we’ll be the ones carrying the halberdier, (just for effect).
“Why the Dairy Queen?”
“Why not?”
“Is this about that girl, Angela?”
“No.”
“Doesn’t she work here?”
“Yeah.”
“You still like her?”
“Nah.”
“Doesn’t she date that guy, what’s his name…Jesse?”
“I don’t know.”
“Isn’t he the manager here?”
“Could be.”
“Is that the guy we are tying up?”
“Look man, stick to the plan. Don’t over think it.”
“I feel like there’s a chicken bone in my heart.”
“Jimmy, what the hell are you talking about?”
“That poor guy wants to marry Angela and you’re putting him in the cooler, to maybe… die.”
“Nobody’s dying.”
“You can’t say that for sure. I’m out.”
“Dave, you take one step toward that door and all of Lubbock will know you pulled that fire alarm to get outta takin’ that Final Exam.”
“Is that what this is now, a blackmail operation? Because I had more respect for you, Ernie, than for you to be somebody who holds something over their best friend’s head to get a date with a girl at Dairy Queen. Besides, you know that was a Senior Class prank.”
“This is a prank.”
“How is this a prank?”
“It’s funny.”
“I should a known better than to listen to you. Just like last time…”
“That was different.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I had no idea the State Troopers waited in that alleyway.”
“So it’s okay that we are both felons now because you were stupid?”
“Hand me that stack of cups.”
“Why?”
“For the chloroform.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Hand me one.”
“I promised your mama that I’d never again participate in any activity that would lead both of us down the path to destruction.”
“You promised her that four years ago.”
“So?”
“You broke that promise about a thousand times.”
“Yeah, but I got a bad feeling. Locking up the Dairy Queen Manager in the cooler, maybe killing’ him with suffocation…or cold…to impress Angela Starnesbury…”
“You bring the duct tape?”
“What do you thinks gonna happen, she’s gonna hear that her man was overpowered and helpless because of you and she’ll just drive right over to your house and jump you?”
“You know her best friend, Brenda Coleman, just broke up with Bobby.”
“So?”
“I hear she’s into weaponry and metal and all.”
“For real?”
“Yeah… And motorcycles.”
“My brother has a motorcycle.”
“I know.”
“Maybe he might let me use it, if I pay him or something.”
“Probably.”
“I could wear those leather chaps, and that bandana…carry the halberdier right here…”
“Okay now, when he gets to the dumpster, you jump him and I will hold the chloroform over his mouth.”
“Why do I always have to jump the person? What if he has a gun?”
Dairy Queen Managers don’t carry firearms. Besides, we have the halberdier.
“You think it would look cooler with, or without the Raybans?”
“With.”
Grude Seventy Somthing
“I still can’t believe you showed up in that.”
“What do you mean Joey?”
“What do you think I mean, nimrod. What would possibly make me ask you this question?”
“My halberd?”
“Wow, there is a learning curve with you after all.”
“You don’t need to be mean Nate.”
“Really? I shouldn’t yell at you for being stupid enough to bring a poleaxe into a bloody Dairy Queen?”
“I just wanted to try out my new halberdier cosplay outfit. That convention is next month and I want to be ready.”
“That is what your bedroom mirror is for bonehead.”
“You can stop with the insults now, I do have feelings after all.”
“Apparently you don’t have a brain to go with them, did you see the poor cashier? I think the poor girl almost had a heart attack.”
“Come on, how many people rob a store with a medieval weapon?”
“Watch some television Joey, I have seen people try to rob stores with a blow torch or their pet snake.”
“Really?”
“You’re pretty dense aren’t you?”
“Seriously man, lay off.”
“I can’t, not when you are wearing tight leather like that. Any skimpier and I’d be calling you Borat right now.”
“It’s supposed to be fur armor and it’s not that bad.”
“Pretty close.”
“You know maybe if you had some fun once in a…”
“While? Did you suddenly forget the language all of a sudden?”
“Joey, do you see what I see outside the window?”
“A green civic and a homeless person who dresses better than you do?”
“I’m serious man, I’m getting creeped out.”
“Just because dad said civics are the devil doesn’t mean they are literary the devil.”
“It’s not the car man, I see people. Like, hundreds of people just staring at us.”
“Have you been drinking again?”
“NO! Seriously, does anyone see the silent people outside my window? Anybody?”
“Joey, sit down and eat your blizzard before it melts.”
“I can’t, not with their eyes staring at me like I’m some… story character.”
“Seriously dude, I thought you never touched drugs in years?”
“I haven’t, this isn’t a acid trip. I see people outside, how much clearer can I be?”
“Joey, I’m worried about you. Oh boy, this isn’t good.”
“What?”
“Shut up Joey, we’re sorry if we disturbed people officer.”
“Good, excuse me officer… Fernandez, do you see the people behind the window staring at us?”
“Dear God… why Joey?”
“Son, I’m placing you under arrest for disturbing the peace and we will get you looked at by some great doctors.”
“Help me Nate!”
“Sorry buddy, best I can do is save up bail money.”
The Blizzard That Changed Everything
Hey man, i’z in the Vatican. U wanna meet up? =^.^=
Absolutely. When are you free to meet?
NE tyme. =^.^=
I just was relieved from duty, and could use a meal. Would you care to meet me at the DQ in 45 minutes?
Kewl. =^.^=
“I didn’t think they had these in Italy,” I said. “I’ll have a Blizzard with Butterfinger in it, please.” “They don’t, but you’re not in Italy,” Vincent said. “Right. Independent nation. Thanks. Jesus, everything is expensive here.” “Heresy is more expensive; watch your mouth.” “You’re not that Catholic. Lighten up, Vinny.” “Vincent,” Vinny said. “Huh, I thought that when you moved here you’d have to change it to something more Italian sounding, like Vincenzo. Oh, don’t look at me like that. You used to be fun.” “I’m still fun, it’s just,” Vincenzo hesitated. “People stereotype you Americans as being so pompous and kind of bastardey -” “I’m not sure that’s a word,” I said. “And I can see why.” “You can’t say ‘you Americans,’ you’ve been here only five years. You have a facebook page, for Chrissake.” “I said watch your mouth!” “Whoa, calm down. People are staring, and I don’t think it’s just that outfit you’ve got on. Besides, even the Pope has a Facebook page. Don’t look at me like that, it was a joke. Look, I’m sorry. Please calm down, people are watching.” “This is the Vatican, someone is always watching.” “Yeah…” “What, now you’re all serious?” “What?” I asked. “Nah, man. It’s just-” “Who do you keep looking at?” “There’s… people.” “This is a public place.” “Not those people,” I whispered. “Other people. Out of the corner of my eye. Listen to me, stop texting for a second and listen. I think someone’s spying on me. Or you. I don’t know.” “Who? Can you point them out? I can get some of my buddies from the Guard to-” “You’re not listening to me! Ever since I texted you, it’s like… It’s like my skin has been crawling. I can feel eyes on me. Sometimes I can catch glimpses of people. Like right there, can you see her? The cute one, looking like she’s reading a book, man. No! Don’t look, just kind of, yeah, in your periphery. And that guy over there, yeah? You can… would you please stop texting, this is serious!” “Are you okay? You look like you need a vacation.” “I’m ON vacation, what – What? Hey! Get your hands off of me! Vinny, don’t just sit there, help me!” Vincent didn’t answer.
(MESSAGE1/3) I am truly sorry. I have never seen you like that. I became Worried for your safety, and that of those around you. I hope that my friends in the (MESSAGE 2/3) Guard can take you to a Place where you get help ridding yourself of those who are ‘Watching you.’ I hope someday you can find it in yourself to forgive me. (MESSAGE 3/3) May God have mercy on you, my friend.